Autistic and Neurodiverse Relationships

I’ve struggled with relationships my whole life – all kinds, not just romantic. But family and friendships too, as well as at work. I’m willing to bet most of you have too, or you know someone who has. (Some of you may just think you know it all, or have it all handled, but may just be fooling yourself as I was for a while. *May*. Some of you may even be narcissists, as I found out the very hard way in recent years.) The rest of you, please be patient while the rest of us sort ourselves out. And count your blessings. Truly.

Anyway, it’s increasingly clear to me that autistic folks and ADHDers and AuDHDers may struggle interpersonally for a variety of reasons. Whether you are talking to a “Neurotypical” (NT) or another ND, clashing needs and conversation styles and paces may lend to friction and communication breakdowns. The wider the gap, the bigger the challenge, and the greater the double empathy problem: the need for both sides to try to come to the middle a bit, not just one or the other. (Any neurotype.)

Many relationships, married or not can struggle too for the same reasons. I’ve only just recently learned there’s a whole tag and community devoted to this topic called “Cassandra Syndrome“, as it started out primarily as a place for (allegedly) NT wives to get support around living with their autistic husbands in cishet normie marriages. But… wiser minds have prevailed, and some folks like Jodi Carlton, M.Ed. have expanded it to include autistic wives of NT husbands, and or ND-NT any -combo (same sex as well as heteronormative) AND… even ND-ND with opposing styles and needs. (E.g. a loud, fast-moving/talking ADHDer with a quieter and slower-speaking less verbal autistic. Or just two very different autistics with clashing needs and preferences.)

And, many of us seem to attract or fall for narcissists or similar, and have to extricate ourselves from those relationships as well. Especially if we were raised by one.

Aside: I now firmly believe that some autistics are ALSO narcissists – no, not the majority, most of us may just feel “narcissistic” or selfish and insensitive to our partners and friends at times, but… some really actually truly are also narcissists. BUT, I would NOT go labeling someone a narcissist who is not fully properly diagnosed by a qualified mental health professional. I say this as someont tried to tell me six years ago that that was not possible: you are EITHER autistic OR a narcissist, you can’t be both. They set me up to be abused with that statement and I’m still recovering. Beacuse it’s just not true. (No, not all autistics are narcissists, but some definitely are!)

Not only are we not qualified to make that diagnosis, but very few narcissists are willing or ever do get fully properly diagnosed. Even if you are 100% sure of your armchair diagnosis of someone, just call them “naricsissistic“or selfish or insensitive at most. (Use the adjective, not the noun/label.) And, please know that many autistics develop narcissistic defenses (“acquire fleas”) from either growing up with a narcissistic parent or sibling, or being around them in life and love (raises hand). This does not make us a full-blown narcissist. Further, others may copycat the narcissist in their life, literally taking “scripts” from them, thus making them seem very narcissistic for lack of other input. After all, it’s a pretty successful playbook for the narcissist – at least at first. If that’s all you’ve ever seen, why wouldn’t you follow suit?

The tell? When you call them out, they (we autistics) are properly sorry, and genuinely care about having hurt you/someone, and ask for grace as we learn to do /be better. True narcissists are not sorry and will even double down on their position or get violent or angry at the mere mention or hint that they could have done something wrong. Or deny, dismiss and deflect the accusation (see DARVO). Maybe even scapegoating you or someone else instead. And they may even enjoy provoking you. They will also always center themselves, play the victim, go from hero to zero (and back again as suits their needs), and always one-up or “neg” you. (Make cutting back-handed “compliments” that really sting once unpacked.) Or nitpick you to death, make you super anxious about messing up, feel like you can never win, are always wrong, or can never do or be enough for them. Ever. (Stop trying!)

I do believe there is a subset of narcissists and similar people (psychopaths and or Dark Triads) on the planet who are mean-spirited and cannot and will not ever be changed. Not only are they hard to even get into a therapist’s office, but once there, they will game the system and fake improvement just to get back out. Or, turn the tables on you. (If you are in a couples therapy session and this happens to you, stop going! You will always lose. Uninformed therapists will fall for their charm. Few therapists know enough to recognize these plays. Some are also narcissists themselves.)

But these folks are thankfully a minority. Most of the rest of us who just have “fleas” can and do learn to change and do/be better with proper guidance and understanding and tools. Which I think is where the very defensive folks are coming from who say that “narcissists can and do get better you just have to give us a chance”. Yes, secondary narcissists (my term), those who were “made” by their childhood experiences and or life can and may change. But no true (born) narcissists will IMO. They do not want to, and will merely lie to appease you or appear to. (If you have not met such a person, please do not gaslight those of us who have. They truly will not change and can be even downright evil, even sometimes murdering or almost murdering their partners, friends or children.) When you ask “why didn’t she/they just leave?” – I promise you, she/they couldn’t, not easily.

And, I feel strongly that it is disingenuous and quite misleading to paint all autistics as innocent angels. I’ve heard of more than one instance of someone finding out the hard way their partner was both autistic AND had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/ or ASPD. I even saw one share their diagnosis in a video I’m still trying to hunt down again. And here’s another video that speaks of this convergence also.

Bottom line: Autistics are neither all innocent angels who can never tell a lie, nor are they all narcissists who can’t stop lying. (Some may be. And others are somewhere in the middle.) Like all neurotypes, we fall in all the camps and buckets. Truly. All of them. We can and may adopt less than ideal coping skills and mechanisms due to our autism and or dysfunctional childhoods. (Or both.) But, there are some dark autistics out there, and you would be wise to keep your guard up and not just automatically trust everyone just because you both happen to be autistic and or ADHD/AuDHD.

By the way, there’s a recent study showing that up to 6% of ADHDers are narcissists. So. There’s that, too. This could explain why I kept feeling like Dr. Ramani Durvasula was describing ADHD traits as much as narcissism in so many of her videos (impulsive, insensitive, forgetful, future-faking) – there’s apparently a decent overlap there too. Again, NOT one-to-one! But not insignificant either. (Boy can we steamroll each other – please be as mindful as you can.)

Anyway, here are some YouTube channels and sources I recommend for some relationship and life guidance for autistics. I’m sure there are more and I will keep adding to the list as I either find or remember them. (I’m in a hurry right now.) Many of them are either autistic and/or ADHD themselves, or have family or other loved ones who are also, and so speak from experience, not just book-learning. Yes, some use the outdated term Asperger’s Syndrome or Asperger’s and “Aspies”. I choose not to get my panties wrinkled (get upset) over this anymore – life is too short. You can get hung up on that detail, or you can harvest the wisdom they have to share to help your relationships and life while we continue to try to evolve the labels and language used over time.

• Mark Hutten
• Jodi Carlton
• Kerry McEvoy – on autism, ADHD and NPD relationships (is autistic)
• Dr. Kim Sage – helps higher masking autistics recognize themselves and sort out CPTSD (mostly women, is herself late-diagnosed autistic)
• I’ll add more as I find or remember them

Good resources for CPTSD – a common experience for autistics:

• The Crappy Childhood Fairy (Anna Runkle) – on YouTube and has a book now
• Patrick Teahan LCSW – on YouTube
• Pastor Tim Fletcher (the preaching is always optional and tucked onto the ends of his excellent videos on YouTube)
• Dr. Kim Sage (again)
• I know there’s more but my mind is blanking in a hurry just now sorry! I’ll add links later too.

And I highly recommend the ADHD Chatter Podcast for great interviews and insights into ADHD relationships. I’ll try to add more about ADHD in general to my site too. I need to.

Dashing away. Sorry this is so rushed, but I needed to get the placeholder up at least. More later. Jan

May 28, 2025