HomeUncategorizedAutistic and Neurodiverse Relationships
May 28, 2025

Autistic and Neurodiverse Relationships

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Two fencers engage

I’ve struggled with relationships my whole life – all kinds, not just romantic. But family and friendships too, as well as at work. I’m willing to bet most of you have too, or you know someone who has. Some of you may just think you know it all, or have it all handled, but may just be fooling yourself as I was for a while. *May*. Some of you may even be narcissists, as I found out the very hard way in recent years. The rest of you, please be patient while the rest of us sort ourselves out. And count your blessings. Truly.

Anyway, it’s increasingly clear to me that autistic folks and ADHDers and AuDHDers may struggle interpersonally for a variety of reasons. Whether you are talking to a “Neurotypical” (NT) or another neurodivergent person (ND), clashing needs and conversation styles and paces may lend to friction and communication breakdowns. The wider the gap, the bigger the challenge, and the greater the double empathy problem: the need for both sides to try to come to the middle a bit and try to see the other’s point of view, not just one side or the other only. (Any neurotype.)

Many relationships, married or not can struggle too for the same reasons. I’ve only just recently learned there’s a whole tag and community devoted to this topic called “Cassandra Syndrome“, as it started out primarily as a place for (allegedly) NT wives to get support around living with their autistic husbands in cishet normie marriages. But… wiser minds have prevailed, and some folks like Jodi Carlton, M.Ed. have expanded it to include autistic wives of NT husbands, and or ND-NT any -combo (same sex as well as heteronormative) AND… even ND-ND with opposing styles and needs. (E.g. a loud, fast-moving/talking ADHDer with a quieter and slower-speaking less verbal autistic. Or just two very different autistics with clashing needs and preferences.)

Some videos about Cassandra Syndrome:

Nota Bene – any neurotype can experience Cassandra syndrome to be clear. It arises when one party regularly or (almost) always feels unseen and unheard for any reason. Not just the NT partner of an autistic person, or vice-versa. Repeat that. It’s a mismatch in expectations. And, I’ll note that the Cassandra in the relationship needs to recognize what’s going on, and decide whether you can live with the situation or not. Because, chances are, the other person is not likely to bend or change much, whether they are autistic, narcissistic, or – my personal newly invented term – “nautistic” (both). It is both futile and even abusive to try to change the other partner significantly.

Read that again. Yes, it’s even a little abusive to do so. That’s called codependency, when you are rabidly trying to fix, control or heal the other person, rather than deciding what you can or cannot accept, and either choosing to live with it (with some compromises, hopefully), or get out/leave if not. Codependency is a whole other can of worms, and not uncommon in the autistic community either, I’ve found. I speak from experience as a recovering codependent and fawn. (Glad to be done and just working on myself now.)

And, many of us seem to attract or fall for narcissists or similar, and have to extricate ourselves from those relationships as well. Especially if we were raised by one.

Aside: I now firmly believe that some autistics are ALSO narcissists – no, not the majority, most of us may just feel “narcissistic” or selfish and insensitive to our partners and friends at times due to mind blindness and more, but… some really actually truly are also narcissists. I say this as someone tried to tell me six years ago that this was not possible, because they were mutually exclusive: they claimed you are EITHER autistic OR a narcissist, you can’t be both. They set me up to be abused with that statement and I’m still recovering. Because it’s just not true. (No, not all autistics are narcissists, but some definitely are!) BUT, I would NOT go labeling someone a narcissist who is not fully properly diagnosed by a qualified mental health professional.

Not only are we not qualified to make that diagnosis, but very few narcissists are willing or ever do get fully properly diagnosed. Even if you are 100% sure of your armchair diagnosis of someone, just call them “naricsissistic”or selfish or insensitive at most. (Use the adjective, not the noun/label.) And, please know that many autistics develop narcissistic defenses (“acquire fleas”) from either growing up with a narcissistic parent or sibling, or being around them in life and love (raises hand). This does not make us a full-blown narcissist. Some may copycat the narcissist in their life, literally taking “scripts” from them, thus making them seem very narcissistic for lack of other input. After all, it’s a pretty successful playbook for the narcissist – at least at first. If that’s all you’ve ever seen, why wouldn’t you follow suit?

The tell? When you call them out, autistics (and others who are not true/full narcissists) are properly sorry, and genuinely care about having hurt you/someone, and ask for grace as we learn to do and be better. True narcissists are not truly sorry and will even double down on their position or get violent or angry at the mere mention or hint that they could have done something wrong. Or deny, dismiss and deflect the accusation (see DARVO). They may even scapegoat (blame or deflect negative attention onto) you or someone else instead. And they may even enjoy provoking you.

Others will lie and apologize and love-bomb or bread-crumb you back into their arms, only to turn around and betray or abuse or hurt you again. This is called trauma-bonding – keeping you hooked on that hope that “they might just come around this time and really love me”. Nope. Lather rinse, repeat. (If this is happening to you it’s a big red flag things aren’t likely to change, and may even get worse.)

Again, autistics and most with ADHD do not intend to hurt people. And they care about it when they do even if they struggle to avoid doing so. (Interrupting, struggle with turn-taking, being forgetful, making empty promises but not intentionally.) Narcissists and others truly don’t care about you, but only about keeping you on the hook and keeping you around to keep serving them. (Momming them, serving them, giving them sex, free rent, a punching bag, etc.) Whence all the make-up sex and gifts and future-faking (“we’ll get married or go to Hawaii or get a house once I get the job”) etc to keep you coming back for more / sticking around. Or, if you have served your usefulness or gotten sick or changed appearance to their distaste, they will discard you like a used appliance for fresh supply without a second thought.

Narcissists will almost always center themselves, play the victim, go from hero to zero (and back again as suits their needs), and often one-up or “neg” you. (Make cutting back-handed “compliments” that really sting once unpacked.) Or nitpick you to death, make you super anxious about messing up, feel like you can never win, are always wrong, or can never do or be enough for them. Ever. (Stop trying!)

I do believe now that there is a subset of narcissists and similar people (psychopaths and or Dark Triads) on the planet who are mean-spirited and cannot and will not ever be changed. Not only are they hard to even get into a therapist’s office, but once there, they will game the system and fake improvement just to get back out. Or, turn the tables on you. (If you are in a couples therapy session and this happens to you, stop going! You will always lose. Uninformed therapists will fall for their charm. Few therapists know enough to recognize these plays. Some are also narcissists themselves.)

But these folks are thankfully a minority IMHO. Most of the rest of us who just have narcissistic “fleas” or traits can and do learn to change and do/be better with proper guidance and understanding and tools. Which I think is where the very defensive folks are coming from who say that “narcissists can and do get better you just have to give us a chance”.

Yes, secondary narcissists (my term), those who were “made” by their childhood experiences and trauma and or life can and may change. But no true (born) narcissists will IMO. They do not want to, and will merely lie to appease you or appear to. (If you have not met such a person, please do not gaslight those of us who have. They truly will not change and can be even downright evil, even sometimes murdering or almost murdering their partners, friends or children.) When you ask “why didn’t she/they just leave?” – I promise you, she/they couldn’t, not easily.

And, I feel strongly that it is disingenuous and quite misleading to paint all autistics as innocent angels. I’ve heard of more than one instance of someone finding out the hard way their partner was both autistic AND had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/ or ASPD. I even saw one share their diagnosis in a video I’m still trying to hunt down again. And here’s another video that speaks of this convergence also.

Bottom line: Autistics are neither all innocent angels who can never tell a lie, nor are they all narcissists who can’t stop lying. Some may be. And others are somewhere in the middle. Like all neurotypes, we fall in all the camps and buckets. Truly. All of them. We can and may adopt less than ideal coping skills and mechanisms due to our autism and or dysfunctional childhoods. (Or both.) But, there are some dark autistics out there, and you would be wise to keep your guard up and not just automatically trust everyone just because you both happen to be autistic and or ADHD/AuDHD.

By the way, there’s a recent study showing that up to 6% of ADHDers are narcissists. So. There’s that, too. This could explain why I kept feeling like Dr. Ramani Durvasula was describing ADHD traits as much as narcissism in so many of her videos (impulsive, insensitive, forgetful, future-faking – i.e, make a lot of empty promises to keep the other person going/on the line) – there’s apparently a decent overlap there too. Again, NOT one-to-one! But not insignificant either. (Boy can we steamroll each other – please be as mindful as you can.)

That said, the key difference appears to be intent: are you consciously trying to deceive or string someone along? Are you intending to hurt them? Do you care when and if you do? If the former, that’s narcissistic. The latter is usually the case with “just” ADHD and autistic folks. We may do all of these things, but not intentionally. And in fact, we really do have good intentions. We just struggle to follow through and fulfill them for numerous reasons, which can still be disappointing. But again, is not intentional. (Key point.)

And in the end, whatever the scenario (ADHD v Autism, ND v NT, narcissist v partner), good boundaries are the bottom line to keep things going. In every case, one person either oversteps the other’s boundaries, or someone may lack good – or even any – boundaries. Which does not mean asking the world to bend to your will and needs at all time as this is simply not possible. (Kind of like asking all dogs not to bark, right?) But… various amounts of compromise and relationship accommodation (hat tip Jessica from How to ADHD) can help and go a long way to helping keep the relationship going.

Things like knowing that your partner is not going to be able to answer questions or plan meals right after coming home from work where they’ve masked and passed all day, and are now out of spoons and ability to process any more demands. Maybe saving that for later in the evenings or on weekends is best. Or, enjoying your loud music on personal headphones instead of blasting the stereo which makes it loud for everyone else who might not tolerate it well. Or getting an automatic pet feeder so you don’t forget to feed the cat, that only needs refilling once a week. Or setting out your clothes and lunch the night before, etc.

E.g., I need no less than six calendars and oodles of sticky notes to keep on track and stay on deadline myself. A neat freak would NOT do well with me. I also hate texting, but some of my friends vastly prefer it. We trade off texting and calling to accommodate us all. Or just use email. There’s loads of ways we can – and maybe already do – accommodate each other. Hopefully you and your partner, friend or loved one can work something out. (Key: one person should not have to do ALL of the bending and compromising in the relationship – this is a recipe for disaster over time.)

If not, you may have to consider if the relationship can survive these differences. Are they deal breakers, or just annoying? Are there just a few and so feel worth it for the love and support you enjoy? Or are you slowly simmering in accumulated frustration and you complain to all your friends behind their back? (This is passive-aggressive and toxic by the way, don’t do this. You need to communicate with the other person, not everyone else.) Remember to also be forward with your autistic loved ones: we don’t take hints very well. Don’t hope we’ll notice your simmering anger. Just tell us you wish we would take out the garbage every Friday instead of hoping we’ll read your mind or pick up a hint. And everyone recognize what you need to feel well- resourced and able to compromise. If you are always sleep-deprived, in pain or hungry, that’s not going to be sustainable over the long-haul.

Every relationship is different. Even between two autistics. We truly are as individual as fingerprints. And life is all about compromise as much as we wish it weren’t so. The key is honesty about your true needs (hopefully you feel safe sharing them), and an honest discussion about how you can both come to a mutually workable arrangement. (If you can.) I do realize there are some unfortunate situations (children of narcissists for instance) where you may not have much choice but to always do the accommodating. (And sometimes this is required to stay safe and housed.) In this case, remind yourself that it’s not about you, and try not to take it personally or let their disregard for your needs define your self-worth. You do matter, but it may not feel like it just now. (Speaking from experience alas.)

Side note: if you are not in a safe situation, please be careful as you plan your exit if you do. Have resources and people to help available before trying to leave if you can. I also realize this is also not always possible.

Here are some YouTube channels and sources I recommend for some relationship and life guidance for autistics. I’m sure there are more and I will keep adding to the list as I either find or remember them. (I’m in a hurry right now.) Many of them are either autistic and/or ADHD themselves, or have family or other loved ones who are also, and so speak from experience, not just book-learning. Yes, some use the outdated term Asperger’s Syndrome or Asperger’s and “Aspies”. I choose not to get upset over this anymore – life is too short, and I’m picking my battles. (I’m trying to stay housed right now, for instance.) You can get hung up on that detail, or you can harvest the wisdom they have to share to help your relationships and life while we continue to try to evolve the labels and language used over time.

Good resources for CPTSD – a common experience for autistics:

And I highly recommend the ADHD Chatter Podcast for great interviews and insights into ADHD and relationships. I’ll try to add more about ADHD in general to my site too. I need to.

Dashing away. Sorry this is so rushed, but I needed to get the placeholder up at least. More later. Jan

Updated June 3, 2025

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